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Just look at the bright side, my oh my oh my.
I am so happy, but in a way that is complex and has a little dash of bittersweet and impossible mixed into insurmountable joy. Which is perfect and just the way I like it. Plain vanilla is boring. Vanilla bean is where it's at. I'm vanilla bean happy. Everything's smooth and tastes like heaven but there's a little zip to it. That zip are the tiny heartbreaks and memories and private emotional stumbles along the way.

I've come to a place of growing up... by that I mean that I've reconciled the past and present. I accept the things that would no longer work for my present but were amazing in my past. I have learned to appreciate those past things, and know that it's okay to miss it sometimes without that meaning that I am not satisfied with now. I can face honestly the days when I wish I could run away from stable happy family life and run off with a beautiful stranger and feel passion and anger and adventure and discover someone new. I can have those feelings and accept them, and then go crawl into bed with stability. I stopped mourning over the "was" and it has been the greatest thing. I am so grateful for all these different lives I've lived and how they've shaped me. I've lived in so many cities and towns. I've had more lovers than I'll ever tell you. I've had so many shapes and faces and phases. But inside it all I have always had this one constant. It's something inside I can't explain. I guess we all have one. The true self that withstands everything and even major changes to ourselves. It's the core, the person we were predestined to be even before our life shaped us. Sometimes I like who I am and sometimes I don't, but I always like that core. What a beautiful core it is. I see this core as something that we take from past lives and into future ones. It is the only way we recognize ourselves and our past/future loved ones recognize us when we bump into each other. Our cores recognize each other even when all the other pieces of the game are completely different.

It's taken me two years to understand what I love about Eric and why. Two years and more drama and fights and horrible things than I will ever actually admit to here. Lets just say we definitely hit a horrible rock bottom but we've bounced back. Well, mostly. We may both be shell shocked though you'd never know it from the outside. Affection is all around, our son is happy. Family life is warm and fulfilling. We are always close in proximity and close in warm gestures and affection. There is still a sizeable distance between his heart and mind. It's covered by many nice gestures and doing so much to please each other in life. Small considerate gestures, bringing home a bottle of wine, cooking a nice dinner, there are so many niceties that the distance is invisible. It's not invisible to me and I can only assume it's not invisible to him..though I don't know if he recognizes it as I do, as he's not experienced closeness to a woman on the level that I've experienced closeness with a man. But I won't bother speculating on his experience, I'm really only well versed on mine. I am hoping a day comes when our hearts are as close as are faces and arms are to each other. I would be happy for our souls to wind together like our arms and legs do when we sleep. I see that despite everything he doesn't tell me, I've always been right from day one about the lovable person who exists inside. I can catch small glimpses of his core though he keeps it locked up tight. It's obvious that he's not yet trusted me enough to let it down and let me really see him. He may never. I haven't helped with some of the cruel things I've said and done. But through it all, he's here. And if you knew what I knew about the rock bottom, just his still being here would be enough to say he loves me. But I don't know how to see love that doesn't involve depth in conversation and total openness and leaps of faith and vulnerability. I want to jump off the edge, but he is not a jump off the edge person. It's a slight pang in my heart sometimes, though most of the time I'm smart enough to be mindful of all the ways I am fortunate to have him in my life and our family in tact.

I feel like we are this nuclear family that Haley exists outside of it and connected by a tether and I hate that. I wish she was as big a part of my daily existence as Nathan is but she's not. We speak every day but the miles take their toll. I try. I love her and I try to show her. I hope she knows. But I feel so badly about the difference between my connection to my two children. I love them equally but we are not equally connected and that's just the reality.

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This is an indescribably beautiful post, and I understand so many parts of it in ways I don't know quite how to explain. Thank for sharing it, I love it when something reaches in and strums your soul, that reminds of the starlight and wonder that exist along with all the things we wish we could do better.

Well said. :) I always admire your ability to so eloquently convey such things.

Isn't it amazing what new wisdoms are to be gained by a life of passionate experience?

May this New Year for you be filled with beauty.

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